I am not yours

How do you expect to have a conversation if you constantly “check out”?
How can you expect me to talk when you continuously silence my voice?

I am tired of the hostility.
Tired of the hate.
The pain.
The tears.

I am tired of the wasted emotion seeping profusely out of my eyes.
This ocean I have cried does nothing for me because you can’t swim.
You are out of orange life jackets.
Out of life savors.

You are out of everything.

All I have known has come from you.
You have taught me how to perfect my skill of going through the motions, taught me that it is okay to yell and scream, but mostly you have taught me that not all love is unconditional, only conditional.
Only on your terms, only when it is convenient, only when you’ve had a few beers, a few pills, a few good and adulterated fucks that reek of retaliation.

How dare you see my pain and condemn me for raising questions.
How dare you silence my voice and scream at me for not responding to your frustration.
How dare you tell me your secrets and punish me for wanting to share mine.
How dare you say what you need to say and leave before I can even open my already tight lips.
How dare you.
How dare you.
How dare you create this heart and force me not to use it.
How dare you feed me lies and ask me why I’m hesitant to absorb anything you say.
How dare you let me watch you abuse everything in your life and then get offended when I ask you if you need help.

You do need help.
You need guidance.
You need faith.
You need love.
but I am out of it..completely dried up.
There is no nourishing river inside my veins for you to kayak on.
Your harsh and domineering rays have completely absorbed everything I have.
I am dry.
Empty.
alone.

And yet you still have the audacity to tell me that my problems are not yours and that you don’t give a damn how I feel.
What kind of parent are you?
I mean seriously.
What kind of parent abandons their child like this?

You say you’re the man of the house, but you are no man.
No man at all.
You have no backbone.
No words of encouragement or footsteps to follow in.

I am completely on my own.

The saddest thing of all is that you cannot see or feel any of this.
You don’t listen to anything I say. Nothing I say soaks up inside you.

All I have asked for is a little validation, a little love, a little belief that my life will be okay.
But all I get is silence.
a vast array of broken promises and false hopes.

I know I can make it without you, I am living proof of it.
I just, I cannot believe you.
Both of you.

After everything you have put me through. Everything you have told me. Every tear I have cried because you have been in pain. Every passionate and meaningful word I have spoken to you...
means absolutely nothing.
I am nothing to you.
Nothing.
Nothing.

One day you will regret this.
You will be sorry.

I am no longer be your nurse.
I will not use my soft hands to stitch up your heart.
Or use my positive encouragement to bandage your mind.
I will not soothe your burdens or open my soul to free your voice.

You will have no help from me. It’s the least I can do for you since you’ve done it for me my entire life.

I honestly cannot believe you.
I really cant.
You have hit a record low and I will not stay around and let you see all of my record highs.
I will succeed.
I will make it in this life -- No thanks to either of you.

So leave while I still have my back turned. Leave while my eyes are filled with tears.
Leave while you still know how.

I want you out for good.
You have made it known that our house is not a home
so don’t be thrown off guard when you see the “closed” sign on my heart.

You will always and forever be closed off from me.

I wish you the best, I really do.
I pray that you find peace wherever you go.
But mostly I pray that you learn that you can’t treat people this way. You can do this to your family.
Because now you have no family.
No place to call home, no person to embrace and say you love.

You have nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

You no longer have me.
I am not yours.
I am not yours.
I am not yours.
I am not yours.

I am not yours.